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I was hoping you would considerpreparing for a mission trip. You understand our custom is to send ouryoung missionaries all over the world at the age of 19. Have you everconsidered this a calling?"I could sense three sets of eyes staring intently in my direction, eventhough mine were slightly downcast and in deep thought. Of course I putthought into it on several occasions. It was almost a right of passagefor our religion. My thoughts always fell back to my doubts about myability to give up my care free lifestyle and my general fear of such adrastic change. If I wanted to get shipped to the Philippines or Korea Iwould have considered the Navy or the Air Force. A brief thought abouthow proud that would make my dad had crossed my mind, but it seems likemy Dad must have thought this was an acceptable substitute for collegeor the military. Otherwise this meeting likely wouldn't be occurring."You know, Bishop Price... I have thought of this on occasion. I've beenweary of this, maybe. I changed into some jean shorts and a tight tank top while I packed, and it took me most of the day, but it's done. I flop onto my bare mattress and stare at the ceiling. I feel a slight pang of despair thinking about leaving this place. I've lived here for a long time, so many memories. This has been my room on two separate occasions, my last boyfriend, Brian, stayed here for a short time with me on the most recent stint. All the times I’ve had friends over, barbecues, birthday parties. All the nights Ethan and I hung out in the basement. Ethan... I cover my eyes with my arm thinking about my friend. We got closer in more ways than I ever thought we would, and I’ve never felt so distant from him now. The guilt I thought I once lost courses through my nerves at the unmistakable feeling that this is all my fault. I may have had cynical thoughts in general these last seven days, but I’d be lying to myself if I said I hadn’t thought about Ethan 95% of the time. I knew what we had.
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